Chapter 19 * My fantasy has turned to madness And all my goodness has turned to badness My need to possess you has consumed my soul My life is trembling I have no control I will have you yes I will have you I will find a way and I will have you like a butterfly A wild butterfly I will collect you and capture you* Jason shook his head and smiled. He then moved closer to Caroline, and put his arms around her waist again. He held her tightly, forcing her to slow down. “I'm better at dancing this way,” he said softly as she placed his arms on his shoulders. Caroline suddenly felt all of the adrenaline slowly draining out of her, and found that she had trouble slowly swaying with Jason. She buried her face in Jason's shoulder, taking in his scent, without realizing what she was doing. Jason tightened his grip around her, and kissed her hair. Caroline looked up at Jason, and found him returning her intense gaze. As she looked in his eyes, she saw something that they often lacked. Fire. Passion. Sizzle. But all elements were there now. Their eyes locked, and even though she tried to, Caroline couldn't look away. Jason bent down, and kissed her. Hard. Caroline returned the kiss, and immediately felt a sharp tingle run through her. * You are an obsession you're my obsession Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me You are an obsession you're my obsession Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me* Jason pulled her closer and started to trace his hands up and down her back, while Caroline ran her fingers through her hair. Caroline kissed Jason with all of her strength, and the kiss seemed to swallow her whole. Jason was so good to her, so right. Nobody else could make her feel this way… except for Shane. Shane. Caroline stopped the kiss, and pushed Jason away, taking a deep breath. Jason tried to move closer again, but she stepped back, leaning against the couch. “Don't” she whispered. “Caroline” Jason started to say. “DON’T!” Caroline spun around and covered her face with her hands. She didn't want Jason to look at her. She couldn't believe what she had just done. It was supposed to be a dance, just a dance. It was meant for fun, to take her mind off of problems, not to create any. Jason stared at her back for a moment, then slowly moved toward her. He stood directly behind her, but not touching. Jason reached out his hand to touch her, but then stopped in midair. He then moved his face closer to her. “Caroline,” he said softly. Caroline stiffened at the sound of his voice, while feeling the warmth of his breath caress her hair and skin. She placed her hands on the arm of the couch for support, and tried unsuccessfully to blink back the tears, which were about to fall. Jason gently placed his hands on her arms from behind, but retracted them quickly as Caroline jumped. “STOP IT! DON”T TOUCH ME!” Caroline cried, moving around him. “Why did you do it?” Jason was a loss for words, and tried to figure out her reaction as he stared at her. “I'm sorry, I…” “Why would you even want to touch me, or kiss me? WHY?” Caroline said angrily. She was crying now, and she didn't know what she was feeling inside. “Because I love you,” Jason said simply. “I love you.” Caroline sharply took in a breath of air, feeling dizzy. She couldn't have heard correctly. There was no way in hell that Jason Morgan had just said that he loved her. “I'm delirious. Utterly delirious,” she thought wildly. She was going to faint… or throw up. She suddenly felt sick. The kind of sickness you feel when you're in trouble, and you don't know what to do. How could Jason play with her emotions like that? She had loved him for months… she was STILL in love with him. “Why are you doing this?” she whispered, backing up against the door to the penthouse. “Why?” “I love you.” “Don't say that again. Please.” “What you want me to say?” Jason asked, feeling as if someone had just punched him in the stomach. Caroline wiped away some of her tears, and slid down to the floor. “I want you know how you could to this to me? How about Robin, Jason? Have you forgotten about your little angel? Your teacher, your savior, your first love, you true love… YOUR EVERYTHING!” she shouted. “I… I still love Robin. Things have changed between us, but I…” “You what? You just wanted a playmate in the bedroom? “Cause you see, I just don't understand what for. You and the advice columnist are already sleeping together, so what use am I?” she interrupted him. “Caroline you don't understand…” “I don't understand? YOU”RE DAMN RIGHT I DON’T UNDERSTAND! How could I, Jase? Tell me, please tell me. You said that you loved me. What exactly is it that you love about me? Do you love the way I play pool, or the way I look in a miniskirt? Do you love my bedroom manners, or do you just love me because I gave you a child!,” she said as she stared to sob uncontrollably. “Caroline, please. Let me explain. Let me tell you how I feel…” “Oh Jason, I already know how you feel! You love me! Well let me tell you how I feel. I HATE YOU! I hate you for doing this to me! I hate you for toying with me. Do you think that I'm some sort of doll, which you can play with for a while, then discard, if you get tired of it?” “Caroline, no! I would never think of you in that way. How can you say that? You know how much you mean to me. I love you. Am I wrong to do that? Why does my loving you hurt you so much?,” Jason asked, wanting to cry himself. “YOU SON OF A BITCH! You knew… you knew for months that I was in love with you! You knew that I wanted to be more than just your friend! And what did you do? You vowed to stay faithful to Robin… EVEN WHEN SHE DUMPED YOU! What made her so much better than me? What does she have that I don't?” “Caroline, would you please just listen to me? I didn't realize it at the time that I loved you. Please don't hate me for something that I had no control of.” “Jason, you have control. You are always in control. You're in control of your business, your actions, and your feelings. I don't have the same control. I can't control anything, and when I try, I mess it up.” Caroline wiped her face again with the back of her hand. “Jase, let me tell you something. When I first saw you, everything inside me was interested in you. You were so different from Shane, or anyone else that I had ever met. And I needed that, you have no idea how much I needed that. I wanted some sort of reassurance, some sort of sign that my life still had some meaning. After my daughter's death, I needed to feel something. I came to Port Charles to see Bobbie, but I don't know if I FELT anything for her at the time. Jason, you made me feel again. I agreed to our no name sex for some sort of protection or safety net. Just in case I went to far, I could step away, without getting too involved. But the more time I spent with you, the more I wanted to know about you. The real you.” “Caroline, please…” “No. Jason, wait. Please let me finish. This is how I feel, how I've felt ever since I met you. Just please shut up and listen, because after tonight, I don't think that I will ever repeat what I have to say.” Jason nodded, and wiped away a few tears. He didn't know what to feel right now. He was helpless, just staring at her. Her bitterness toward him was tearing him apart, and he didn't know what to do about it. “I thought I would be okay if I just had sex with you. But then I got greedy. I didn't want just you body. I wanted your emotions, your laughter, your dreams, and your love. But I couldn't have that part of you, because it had already belonged to Robin. That's why I acted the way I did. I was jealous of Robin. She was the girlfriend, and I was the slut. I never thought of myself as a slut, or something dirty, until after you. Maybe because I knew what I was doing was wrong.” Caroline took a deep breath, before continuing. “I was so happy when we continued to be friends. You seemed to care so much. You know, when I was with Tony, I would often feel stifled, as if I was suffocating. But you made me breathe. You would come visit, and talk… and make me feel special. If you had told me that you loved me then, I would have left Tony without a second thought. But you never did,” Caroline said with a scornful laugh. “When I came to you that night, pregnant and alone, you took me in. You helped me, and my child. You know, I wished that I was carrying your child. Even more so, when I returned from Florida after Michael was born. I loved how you would hold him, and talk to him as if he was an adult. I loved how you would play with him, and look at him. I loved you, and I wanted to make you happy. I wanted a happy family. I was robbed of that once, and I wanted it again. But you didn't want that; you didn't want me” she said, standing up again. “But I think that I want you now” Jason said, moving closer to her. “Yeah. You say that you love me now. Now, when I'm supposed to be starting over. Now, when Shane returned. You know, if you had told me this yesterday, I would have been so happy to hear it. Because I'm still in love with you. Even now, at this very second, my heart is pounding, and you're the reason. But I made a choice, and I chose Shane. I promised him, I promised US, that we would try and work things out. Before I made that choice, I told you. I told you everything. Why didn't you tell me then? Why did you wait until now? Are you just saying that you love me, because now I'm with Shane?” “Caroline, forget about yesterday. I'm sorry. Think about today, think about now. I love you, and you just said that you loved me.” “You also love Robin. And I also love Shane. Tell me, how can we love two people at the same time?” Jason took a deep breath, and massaged his temples. “Caroline, I don't know, but we'll work it out.” “We'll work it out, huh? Jason, I'm not about to relive out sick past. It hurt Jason, and it will hurt even more now. You chose HER, Jason. You chose Robin over me the first time. And I'm scared to death that you'll choose her over me, yet again. I can't take that Jason. Not this time, not now.” “Listen, I love both of you… differently. I think that we just need some time to sort our feelings and everything else out.” “No. I can't do that. I guess with me it’s all or nothing. I made a promise to Shane, and I intend to keep it. Jason, I'm sorry. I love you, I do. But I love Shane too. I don't know who I love more, but I do know what I need. I need someone to love me, unconditionally. You can't give me that. Shane can.” Jason stared at her, digesting what she had just said. She had just picked Shane over him, and he was feeling the same way he felt when Sonny left. Alone and empty. “Please say that you understand, please. I don't know if things between Shane and I are going to work out. But I have to try. I owe it to Shane, I owe it to Eleyna… and I owe it to me. They say timing is everything. And everyone is so right. If Shane weren’t in the picture, then I would go to you in a second. But he's here. He's here for me. Jason, I know that my love for you isn't going to evaporate. It may stay the same. I don't know. Right now, I'm not sure about anything now.” “Fine” Jason said, going over to his desk. He didn't want Caroline to know how much he was hurting inside. “It's your choice.” “Jason,” Caroline said helplessly. “This isn't easy for me. But maybe, right now, it’s for the best. We have to think about Michael, and this whole mess with AJ. If we were to get involved, we would also have to deal with Robin and Shane. I just don't think I could handle all of that now.” “I said it was fine Caroline. It’s your life, you can do what you want with it.” “Jason…” “You know, it’s late. I think the paternity test should be taken tomorrow, so we should probably get some rest,” he interrupted. He didn't want to hear anymore. He should have never told her that he loved her. If he hadn't, then at least he wouldn't have the awful feeling of rejection, which he was experiencing right now. “Jason…” “Goodnight, Caroline.” Caroline gasped, trying to control herself. She burst into tears again and ran upstairs. She flung open her bedroom door, and threw herself on her bed to cry. She had thought that Jason loving her would make her feel wonderful. But right now, she was feeling the exact opposite. Downstairs Jason sat at his desk, crying. He was hurting so much, and couldn't help it. He had never really realized how much he had wanted Caroline to choose him. He looked on his desk, and saw the picture of Caroline with Michael. He picked it up, and kissed the picture. He looked at it for another few seconds, then threw it against the wall, which made the glass shatter. He looked at the broken pieces of glass, and stared at it. That was how he felt. Broken. He opened his desk drawer, and pulled out a key for his motorcycle. He hadn't ridden it for months, due to safety. But right now, he didn't give a damn about his safety. He got his leather jacket, and a pair of gloves, then left the penthouse to ride. “Obsession” by Animotion from “The Language Of Attraction”